Reflection
by Morna
Summary: Zutara one-shot from the 1st person perspective of Zuko after the events of the Southern Raiders episode. He mulls over the events of the day, taking a new look at his connection and relationship with Katara.


Reflection

Takes place the night after Southern Raiders. A first person P.O.V. of Zuko's thoughts on the day's events. Zutara.

I am sitting in my small tent, staring blankly at the white canvas walls. I can't sleep. I should be tired, but I'm not. The day's events were physically and emotionally draining, but my eyes can't seem to stay shut for long. They just stay focused on this one spot on the fabric of the tent where an old stain is. Even though, my eyes stay fixed on that one spot, it's not what I see. It's simply a point to help keep my eyes from going blurry due to staring at nothing but white cloth.

I see _her _face. I don't know why. Of all the people that I would expect to think of Katara is not one of them. There is no reason for her to occupy my thoughts, but she does. She forgave me for the terrible things that I've done to her. Everything should be fine and forgotten now. We are on peaceful terms, even if we aren't exactly friends. Still, thoughts of her are gnawing at my mind.

I sigh and shut my eyes for a moment. The beating of my heart slows. No one else is awake. They all went to bed hours ago. There is only the whispering of the soft breeze outside, and the croaking of badger-toads in the distance. Smiling, I wonder if I should go out and have a late-night, heartfelt talk with one. No, they never give good advice anyways. Sleep continues to elude me. Her face is still clearly pictured in my mind like it's burned into my brain.

Today, I noticed for the first time that she has pretty hair and pretty eyes. She doesn't look like the little Water Tribe peasant that I used to chase around anymore. There is something in her that's changed. She carries herself differently, her shoulders are straighter and her head is held a little higher. Her manner has changed too or her "aura" as Ty Lee would call it. She reminds me of someone. My sister, maybe? I grimace at the thought. I remember my fight with Azula. She was as skilled and determined as ever to get rid of me. The most disturbing thing was how calm she'd been except for that crazy gleam in her eyes.

No, Katara is nothing like Azula. There was too much passion in her when she confronted her mother's murderer to compare to my sister. I've never seen my sister lose her cool, ever. Anger and bitterness controlled Katara when she confronted the pathetic old man. She let her emotions run away with her. Just like I do sometimes. She reminds me of myself.

Today I saw a side of her I have only glimpsed the surface of in the Western Air Temple. Her scowl and her rage are like my own. Our wounds are the same.

I remember watching her quietly as she sat in front of me holding onto Appa's reins and recounting the story of her mother's death. I considered reaching out to her, hugging her or placing a hand on her shoulder, but stopped myself. I was unsure of how she would react to that kind of contact after the way she responded when I saved her from getting crushed by those stones. Instead, I stated the simple truth. Her mother was a very brave woman. She's very brave too.

I wonder what my mother would think of me. If she knows anything about what I've done, she's probably disappointed in me, if she is even alive. My father could have been baiting me on the day of Black Sun, trying to get in one more jab before I left. But what if it is true? What if he really is the reason for my mother's disappearance? I fist my hands at my side, swallowing, and blinking slowly to control my fury. All of the things he's done to me and everyone else come flooding back. His favoritism of Azula. My mother. The Agni Kai. My scar. My banishment. For a moment, I entertain the thought of confronting him on my own without the help of the Avatar or anyone else.

Sighing, I shake my head as I realize the stupidity of the idea. The Fire Lord has an entire army of loyal soldiers at his command, and more importantly, my sister is probably at the palace now. He must know everything that happened by now. It would be a suicide mission.

I know what it is like to want revenge. I know what it is like to crave something so badly that you'd stoop to levels you never dreamt of. It can turn you into someone you don't even recognize. That is partially why I helped Katara locate her mother's killer. I didn't want to see her turn into what I was. I thought that maybe if I led her to her mother's killer it would help her to get some kind of finality. Closure is the most she can ever hope for. Despite, Aang's advice, Katara will never be able to let that anger go or resolve it. The most she will be able to do is try and move around it. The Avatar is capable of forgiving his enemies of anything, but it's harder for the rest of us.

Even though, Aang was right about Katara not needing violence as her solution, he is still wrong about one thing. Sometimes violence is the answer. Sometimes fighting and blood and death are the only things that will settle a problem.

She wanted to kill the pathetic geezer, but in the end, she couldn't bring herself to do it. I thought about doing it myself, burning him into a pile of ashes right there, to ease the pain. I know though that it would have only made her angrier and distrust me even more. I don't know why but her acceptance of me is very important. I want her to trust me, to like me. I want to make her happy. It confuses me. I have no idea why I would care so much about what she thinks of me over the others.

In a strange way, it feels almost like I'm betraying Mai. Mai. I hope she's alright. I worry about what Azula will do to her. She risked herself to save us, to save me. I'm grateful for it. Things between us are weird. I've changed, and she has too. We haven't changed in the same direction though. There are some parts of me that she will never understand. Just like there are some things that Aang will never understand about Katara or me.

He has his own anger and frustration, but he detaches himself from it like those monks taught him. He shuts off that part of himself and tries to let go of it. He doesn't understand that at times rage and aggression are justified. There are situations when they are the only options you have. After all, maybe some of the Air Nomads would still be alive if they'd fought back.

I have finally learned to accept my own dark flaws and others' weaknesses as well. I wonder if Aang can. I wonder if he can deal with Katara's fury and rage. I realize that there is no reason for me to care. It doesn't involve me at all. This is between them to work out, and I should just stay out of it. It's none of my business.

I try to block it all out, but Katara's face is still in my mind. I keep thinking about everything, replaying the events over and over. The more I examine what happened with her, the more I realize how lost I was months ago. Looking at her is like looking at a reflection of me from the past. We are not as different as I thought. If things had gone differently for the both of us who knows what would have happened.

I wrote this because as I watched the Southern Raiders I realized that Katara was a lot like season 1 Zuko. She was angry, bitter, and violent. This is just Zuko's musing over what happened. I'm sorry this is so poorly written. I'm not used to writing in first present person, especially a male. I tried to make it sound as much like him as possible while still trying to make it entertaining. This is meant to be kind of jumpy and jumbled up since this is supposed to his thoughts. Well, I would appreciate any comments, critiques, or constructive criticism. Tell me if this was too OOC for him.


End file.
